Underground Entertainment,    Writing

Spring Brings Thoughts Of Small Stream Fly Fishing -- And A Really, Really Good TV Commercial

Posted by Tom Chandler 3/20/2013

It's the Vernal Equinox (the first day of spring) and despite the fact it's cold and rainy outside, it's still spring, with all the promise that implies.

And I'm realizing if I want to get those weekend small stream trips in, I'd better get them on the calendar in advance.

Which made me think of Singlebarbed, who I need to lure up here to babysit while I fish for a repeat of our small stream adventure of a few years ago (though this time sans the hyper-aggressive mosquitoes).

That led me to count the days until the general trout opener (April 27), which somehow led me to this -- the kind of honest TV commercial the outdoor products world desperately needs, but simply doesn't get. Sadly, it seems likely my genius will remain unrecognized:

EXT. DAY -- SMALL ALPINE MEADOW STREAM

Quiet, pastoral alpine meadow stream setting. The stream bubbles along happily, the birds sing. A deer grazes peacefully at forest's edge. It's beautiful.

Suddenly, a tall, lanky man (FRED) wearing too-large waders enters frame, running crazily left to right, arms flailing wildly in the air. There's a hint of a dark cloud around him.

SFX
Muffled screams, panicked whining noises.

FRED exits right hand edge of frame. Camera loses him, then jerks right just in time to pick him up -- still flailing -- as he topples into the stream.

SFX
Strangled "urghh" and splash.

NARRATOR
Today FRED had his first encounter with vicious alpine mosquitoes.

Camera holds steady. FRED does not surface.

NARRATOR
FRED did not bring Singlebarbed mosquito repellent. He will not make that mistake again.

Camera moves toward stream, slowly pans down. We see FRED on his back just under the surface of the water, his palms out as if he's using them to hold himself under the surface of the water.

SFX
Mosquito "dental drill whine" sound starts, slowly builds.

Camera continues to close in. We see FRED'S increasingly frantic face, bubbles escaping from his mouth.

NARRATOR
FRED is learning how to hold his breath. It turns out he can't do it very long.

SFX
Mosquito whine continues to build, climaxes.

Picture dissolves to beauty shot (white seamless) of bottle of Singlebarbed Brand Mosquito Repellent.

NARRATOR
Singlebarbed Brand Mosquito Repellant. When repelling mosquitoes is more important than the integrity of your DNA.

Single animated mosquito buzzes into frame, lands on bottle of Singlebarbed, then falls off, dead.

SFX
Bzzzzzz....erp.

NARRATOR
(low voice)
May induce side effects including coughing, skin rash, oily anal discharge, loss of feeling just below your right elbow, sloughing off of genitals, paranoia, an affinity for speed metal, and death.
[/scrippet]

See you planning to fish someplace beautiful, Tom Chandler.

AuthorPicture

Tom Chandler

As the author of the decade leading fly fishing blog Trout Underground, Tom believes that fishing is not about measuring the experience but instead of about having fun. As a staunch environmentalist, he brings to the Yobi Community thought leadership on environmental and access issues facing us today.

12 comments
JP2: and what was the flood control dam/park to the west? Stevens Creek???I also remember orchards all over too…… I caught lots tiny trout on a small section of Steven's Creek with dries (size 16 EHC). Such a pitiful creek. There is actually a bag limit of 5 and no gear restrictions there. That should change. Drastically. It could really be a great creek.
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Tom Chandler: Unfortunately, the truck delivering the first batch from Mexico blew up just after crossing the border. Guess the driver did something foolish like light a cigarette, or turn on the radio or something. Or perhaps after his genitals sloughed off he lost his mind (regained his senses? which through him off?) so he panickedly lit a cigar?
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HAHA! I've cast poppers at those Campbell perc ponds and others here. I also caught one pitiful trout in Guadalupe Creek below the dam - what a sad place. The Campbell ponds have casting pools that end up with little bass in them because the pools are filled with water pumped from the ponds. This is a spot with a good population of wild trout, mostly 6 inchers some approaching twelve,. A spot where ... more I saw a pair of spawning steelhead last fall. I don't really want to hot spot the place, although it is no real secret. I actually found some bolete mushrooms there too. When you are in Silicon Valley on important TU biz I'll show you the spot Tom.
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Santa Clara Valley's best legal spot??? Yeah,I just dated myself but p--- on all you youngsters...I remember some big settling ponds out toward Campell,we always chased lizards in Guadalupe Creek and what was the flood control dam/park to the west? Stevens Creek??? I also remember orchards all over too......
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Noiso: Season opener is Apr 27th. Believe me, I am counting the days. Thanks for the correction. Rented fingers and all -- I don't type well at night. Silicon Valley's best legal spot? The apartment building pond? Just above the golf course? Intel's wastewater treatment facility? Share...
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Season opener is Apr 27th. Believe me, I am counting the days. For the opener I am going to Silicon Valley's best legal spot. But Monday the fun begins when myself and a pal head up to the State of Jefferson. Seeeee you on the Sac&Mac. Or not.
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Wish we could send you some, but those tightasses at the Atomic Energy Commission just won't allow it. Something about "going critical" has them all keyed up, as if a little fallout isn't a good trade for badly needed decontamination jobs...
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next weekend..... heading up to the smokies woo hoo can you fed ex me some in time if the second shipment comes in??????? as for the paranoia no biggie already there but remember just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean that somebody isn't out to get you
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JP2: …comes in Radiation Green or Ditch Water Umber!!! Now with the great smell of Sulfur!
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Mike Sepelak: SWEET! Where can I order some? Unfortunately, the truck delivering the first batch from Mexico blew up just after crossing the border. Guess the driver did something foolish like light a cigarette, or turn on the radio or something.
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SWEET! Where can I order some?
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...comes in Radiation Green or Ditch Water Umber!!!
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