Fly Fishing,    chuck norris,    october caddis,    the undead,    Underground Entertainment

Headless Zombie Terrorist Contractors Stalk The Underground (Oh Yeah, the October Caddis Bite is Starting)

Posted by Tom Chandler 10/17/2009

Every day about 4 pm, I become the undead - the Zombie Formerly Named TC
who staggers around the house trying to the eat the brains of the living - the result of a potent cocktail of advanced sleep deprivation and lingering jet lag.

Still, it's true the Undead stagger carefully around the Trout Underground/Man Cave/Soiled Diaper World Headquarters
these days, what with the Still Uncompleted Construction Project
turning every hallway into a deadly obstacle course (if it's one thing zombies don't do well, it's hurdle).

In fact, I'm designating today Day 40 of the Trout Underground/Man Cave House Hostage Crisis
- an acknowledgement that extremist contractor splinter groups have apparently seized control of our house, demanding bags of money or they'll start killing rooms, and they've done just enough damage to convince us they're very serious about it.

Still, these aren't your average Working-Class Extremists - they apparently prefer to terrorize lazily from a distance. At least that's the conclusion you'd have to draw since we haven't actually seen a cell member all week long.

(Yes, the tears I'm wiping from my eyes are tears of mirth. Those zany extremist contractors really slay me.)

The L&&T is reacting to all this with the kind of grace you'd expect from an Ivy League educated brainiac new mom type, which is to say she's threatening to go all Chuck Norris
on the contractors for not finishing the project when they first promised (weeks before we left for Ethiopia).

In fact, when talking to the lead contractor on the phone, she casually mentioned that "Nothing says 'Welcome to your new home' to a baby like the severed heads of several contractors mounted on stakes by the front door."

(Moral of Story: Don't Mess with a New Mommie)

So to summarize:

    • Me = The Undead

    • House = Hostage Site/Nuclear Blast Zone

    • L&&T = Chuck Norris Would Be Proud

    • Little M = Burbling happily away in the corner

    • Spare Time = Almost None


So what's the good news for the Undergrounders?

You don't live here right now.

Still, there are some bright spots on the horizon. With a Little M trip to the Pumpkin Patch on the schedule, I may actually find myself at loose ends for two hours, though given the unfortunate late-morning timing, it's likely I'll run to the shooting range for one last hurrah before a snowstorm closes the thing.

That's because the fly fishing is only now picking up steam around here, though with a new kid and the clock running out on a big, big Web project, I'm reduced to peering ahead at the week through slitted eyes.

When can I try to stumble across the rumoured midday BWO hatch? When is an October Caddis hatch on the menu?

With things settling down around here (everything expect the drywall dust), I expect to catch a few glimpses of the river soon.

Assuming, of course, the Undead are allowed to drive without a special license. And I'm not disposing of headless contractors.

See you (other zombies) on the River, Tom Chandler.

AuthorPicture

Tom Chandler

As the author of the decade leading fly fishing blog Trout Underground, Tom believes that fishing is not about measuring the experience but instead of about having fun. As a staunch environmentalist, he brings to the Yobi Community thought leadership on environmental and access issues facing us today.

13 comments
[...] won’t lie; daddy-hood requires an adjustment – one not made easier by the presence of Zombie Terrorist Contractors – but it’s something that’s already added a dimension to my life (and no, that [...]
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[...] Day 77 of the Underground’s Home Hostage Crisis, and no, it hasn’t escaped the Underground’s notice that if he can hit a tiny, [...]
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[...] again, in Day 71 of the Underground’s Home Contractor Hostage Crisis, that pretty accurately describes our contractor [...]
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[...] Day 53 of the Underground Home Hostage Crisis, and our erstwhile contractor has yet to put in an appearance (or oy vey, call or [...]
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Pretty soon, you'll be able to join the club. I don't think you've suffered enough yet, but when you have, you'll be eligible to join the "shoot me in the knee if I ever say I'm going to remodel my house or build a new one because it will be less painful," club. We all take a solemn vow to insure the lesser of two evils should one of us ever waver in this arena again.
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Tom, Don't know if you saw my Twitter message but all joking aside, I really do feel your pain on this one. My wife and have I have just had the karmic pleasure of watching our own jackass contractor have his rear end handed to him on a silver platter by a county court judge. We wait to see if we'll get any money back but the satisfaction of watching incompetence put in its place was worth $500 all ... more on its own. My commiserations especially to Mrs C because I know how much worse this is for our 'other halves'. My own wife had been looking forward to a housing revamp for months and the whole thing was ruined for her. I may be preaching to the converted here but all I'll say is, get as much as you can down in writing at this stage, even to the extent of confirming phone conversations with your own contractor by a follow-up letter. Oh, and if it goes to court, don't just turn off your cellphones beforehand but also make sure the alarm mode is turned off too. My whole life passed before my eyes when our judge was interrupted in a particularly technical line of questioning by Mrs Prest's phone yelling "Oi, idiot: answer the phone..."
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Obviously, I have been living under a rock. Congrats to you and the L&T....and Wally!
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Kentucky Jim: Where's Wally? After an initial phase of uncertainty (Meski screamed whenever Wally tried to lick her face, which was often), the two have become partners in crime. Meski drops the food, the Wonderdog eats it, and I don't have to clean it up. It's a win-win-win. At least until the Wonderdog sat on the kid, which wasn't the dealbreaker you'd think it was...
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Where's Wally?
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Contractors are like mothers-in-law (well, maybe that's being a bit tough on MILs). Case in point: This woman was driving to the grocery store when her car died. Simply wouldn't go anywhere, anyway. To top it off, her cell phone battery was dead. So she looked around for someplace that might offer assistance. Turns out, she was pulled over right in front of Heavenly Acres Mortuary. This woman goes ... more in and asks if she could make a phone call. The fellow who she talks to, he's all decked out in his finest black suit, etc., and above all, he's had it drilled into him over 25 years that HAM is, first and foremost, a classy service-oriented place. He offers to make the call for her, and asks who she would like him to call. The woman, all flustered by such chivalrous behavior, thinks for a moment then says yes, he could call her son-in-law. The mortician dials, and when the SIL answers, he says, "My name is James, I work for Heavenly Acres Mortuary. We have your mother-in-law here." There's dead silence for a bit; the mortician says, "Hello? Did you understand me?" Son-in-law answers forcefully, "Embalm, cremate and bury! We'll take no chances with that one." I recommend wooden stakes and silver bullets in addition when attempting to exorcise contractors...
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Don't cut off the contractor's head. They are like cockroaches, it will take the bodies months to die, but they will walk around trying to collect more money.
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You could call you Mom at 4:00 am. They would understand..
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Sounds like good times up there. Enjoy! I have not been fishing since taking my dad out to the conservancy section of the McCloud back on August 13th... that's parenting for ya.
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